A Midsummer Night's Doom
by Lacey
Summary: Act 2 - The Love Laser: Red's vengeance is a scary thing, but his good intentions are even scarier... Especially when he depends on GIR to help.
1. Doomed Romance and Stuff

**Author's Note:** Let's see... Plot blatantly ripped off from _A Midsummer Night's Dream_by good old Willy Shakespeare and all the Zim stuff is property of Jhonen. This production has been brought to you by a random bout of insomnia. *insert maniacal laughter here* And for everyone who wonders who's who, here's a quick cast list. 

**Cast List:**

Ms. Bitters: Helena  
Robo-mom: Hermia  
Robo-dad: Lysander  
Prof. Membrane: Demetrius 

Red: Oberon  
Purple: Titania  
GIR: Puck 

Zim: Nick Bottom  
Dib: Francis Flute  
Random Irkens and students: Everyone else 

**A Midsummer Night's Doom**

**Act 1: Doomed Romance** **and Stuff**

Summer was a joyous time. Children squealed and played their games. The hot sidewalk burned bare feet. The ice cream man's business boomed. Yes, everyone loved summer... Well, almost everyone. One lone black-clad figure slunk through the crowded sidewalks cursing her time out among the horrible dooming sun. 

Ms. Bitters paused outside of the electronics store, staring at the display of televisions. Big televisions and small ones... Color and black and white... And all with one man upon their screens - Professor Membrane. Ms. Bitters's shrivelled, black, doom-filled heart flittered once in an approximation of beating. Ever since the explosion across town on Parent/Teacher Night, when she'd first seen the destructive power the professor had at his disposal, Ms. Bitters had been unable to keep the scientist far from her thoughts. "Love?" the wrinkled old teacher murmured to herself. "Pah! A foolish sentiment!" But still... 

As "Probing the Membrane of Science" gave way to a commercial for a commercial about Bloaty's anal cream, Ms. Bitters shrugged and looked away from the television, only to stare in stunned silence. There HE was! Right there! The Professor! Standing on the very same sidewalk! _'Oh not-as-bad-as usual day!'_ Ms. Bitters marvelled. 

Best of all, Membrane was looking right at her! The faint beginnings of a smile tried to blaze a trail across Ms. Bitters's face. The resulting expression made people shudder and clear a wide path around the terrifying teacher. Professor Membrane seemed oblivious, though, and only then did Ms. Bitters realize that he was staring not at, but beyond, her. Turning so slowly that her bones could be heard creaking, Ms. Bitters saw only Zim's parents leading a little green dog on a leash. 

The dog froze by the television display and stared in rapt attention at the commercials. The man and woman proved unable to budge the little creature, so they too stopped to watch. When a man with a thick Brooklyn accent declared that he liked burritos even if they didn't like him, the woman leaned close to her husband and murmured, "Ah, honey, look! It's our show!" 

"Yep," the man agreed, clenching a pipe between his teeth. "You know, dear, I've been thinking. Once we restock the base, maybe we should take a vacation." He paused as a small shower of sparks spurted from his neck. "Nothing long, just a night out. It seems a normal thing to do. A camping trip in those woods near the park, perhaps?" 

The woman's vacant expression never changed as she cocked her head from side to side in thought. "All right," she agreed. "Just watch out for those grass stains. They're hard to get out, you know." 

The commercials came to an end, and the dog began prancing ahead of its humans again, forcing them to be dragged along again. Ms. Bitters sighed softly. A doomed couple... Couldn't even control their own pet. She found herself hoping that the dog would go mad and try to eat the woman. At least that's what she hoped until Prof. Membrane came up behind her. 

"Oh!" the professor murmured to himself. "She was right here! Right here, watching my show! So sweet... So beautiful... If only I knew her name!" 

Ms. Bitters didn't have the heart to correct the scientist and tell him that they were watching the commercials. Instead, she decided to do something even more foolish just to get Membrane to actually notice her. "They'll be camping in the woods tonight." 

Ms. Bitters thought that she could see Prof. Membrane's eyes light up behind his thick goggles. "Ah!" he exclaimed. "My sweet, sweet blue-haired love! Tonight I shall approach you and sweet you off your feet!" Membrane practically skipped off down the street, humming Broadway love songs. Ms. Bitters merely shook her head. Poor doomed soul... She might as well try to follow him to comfort him when he made a fool of himself. And maybe try to win his heart for herself... Or just gloat over how all romance is doomed anyway. 

*~*~*~*~* 

Zim glared at the kids sitting in a circle. How he loathed this planet and its stinkbeasts! Yet here he was, fraternizing with the filthy worm children. And why? Because he'd thought that joining a summer activity group would make him seem more normal. The fact that Dib was also part of this group only made things that much worse for the Invader. The very first week, the group leader - Sunny Shine - had taken three water guns away from Dib. Zim's lips curled in a silent snarl at the thought of having to depend on a mere human to protect him from Dib's devious ways. No, that was not how things should be. Not at all! The mighty Zim should be the one commanding these little bootlicking snails! Zim rubbed his hands together at the thought. Yes, he would take over... 

First, Zim knew he had to win the Shine-human's favor through unbridled enthusiasm for her idiotic projects. And then he could take over! Zim burst out into maniacal laughter as he pictured Dib forced to obey his every whim. 

"All right, kiddies!" Sunny chirped. "We're going to be putting on a play!" Her vapid blue eyes sparkled with breathless excitement as she began handing out the scripts. Zim gingerly picked up the bound pages by the corner and studied the title - "Pyramus and Thisby" - and frowned. He'd never heard of these Earth beasts. "Zim, you will play the part of Pyramus." 

Zim hopped up and saluted. "Yes, Group Leader Sunny! Erm... But what exactly is this 'Pyramus' thing?" 

"Oh!" Sunny exclaimed. "Pyramus is a noble hero that kills himself most nobly for love! Doesn't that sound like fun?" 

Zim shuddered at both the grating voice of Sunny and the thought of doing anything for 'love.' Hideous Earth things... Did they really follow through with such foolishness? Zim could think of many better reasons for killing oneself than love - unless, of course, this Pyramus-beast was so disgusted by the love stuff that he couldn't bear to go on living. Yes, that made sense! "Then I shall move the audience to tears with my performance, but they shall be comforted knowing that this hideousness is not happening to them! Though, you know..." Zim's voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper. "I would do much better in the part of a tyrant. But go on, Shine-human. Pass out the rest of the parts." 

Sunny stared blankly at Zim for a moment, before moving on to the next role. "Dib!" Dib glanced up from where he was doodling in the dirt with a stick. "You're going to play the part of Thisby." 

"Thisby?" Dib queried, arching an eyebrow. "Who's that? Some gallant hero out to save the world from the hideous aliens, I'll bet!" 

Catching her lip cutely between her teeth, Sunny shook her head. "Oh no! There's nothing weird like that in the play. Thisby is the girl that Pyramus loves." 

"WHAT!?" Both Zim and Dib were on their feet, each babbling protests. 

"No way!" Dib exclaimed. "I'm not going to play a girl! Not a chance!" 

"Never!" Zim howled. "I'm not playing any part that is in love with that... that... pale, stinking Dib-worm! I'd rather play this Thisbe and put someone else in my part!" 

Sunny just kept shaking her head until Zim thought her pea-sized human brain was going to come falling out of her ear. "No no no! Zim, you're going to be Pyramus, and Dib will be Thisby! Or else..." Sunny motioned to the pen where the preschoolers played, and both Dib and Zim shuddered but bowed their heads in defeat. What a horrid choice - play roles in love with each other or entertain the ankle-biters. But as brave has human and alien were, neither wanted to face so many drooling little rugrats. 

The parts for Thisby's parents were handed out with no argument. When Sunny got to Keef and told him that he would be the Lion, the young boy stared up nervously. "Will I have many lines to memorize? I hope not, because I'm not that great at memorizing." 

Laughing, Sunny bent down and ruffled Keef's red hair. "Relax. You can make it up as you go along because it's just roaring." Keef let out a sigh of relief just as Zim jumped back to his feet. 

"Let me be the lion!" the desperate alien pleaded. "I will roar so fiercely that all will tremble before me!" Zim paused to let out his fiercest, most blood-curdling roar. "You see? So greatly will I roar that once the audience stops shaking, they will say, 'Let him roar again!' None roars better than Zim!" 

"Oh Zim," Sunny tittered. "If you roared like that, you'd give some sweet little old lady a heart attack, and we can't have that." She puffed out her bosomy chest proudly, certain that she'd managed to outwit the eager little green kid. Dib merely buried his face in his hands, partly to hide the fact that he was laughing. Though he wished that he'd thought of volunteering for the Lion to get out of his part first. 

Casting about for another idea, Zim forced his voice low and soft. "Then I shall roar as sweetly as a cooing dove, so that no one keels over from the sheer terror that is Zim." 

Sunny groaned, but held her ground. She'd not known that assigning parts for a play could be so hard. "No, Zim. You will play Pyramus and no one else but Pyramus. Now, we'll meet tonight at the old oak to practice. I've got to go to the mall now. Bye kids!" And with those parting words, Sunny flounced off, leaving the group to ponder what sort of doom was about to befall them. 


	2. The Love Laser

**Author's Notes:** As usual, I own nothing. Nothing! I'm just the lowly fic writer. And for those not familiar with "A Midsummer Night's Dream" because of the way that I set up the cast list there is going to be **slash **in this. So, you've been warned! Oh, and Spec (Agent Orange) is the brainchild of Apricot the Gerbil! *waves to Apricot* I hope I've got a good handle on his character. And one last - and important - warning! Eyes will probably bleed by the end of this chapter! *maniacal laughter* 

**Act 2:** **The Love Laser**

GIR bounded through the woods after his bright yellow bouncy ball. His shrill, happy laughter echoed amongst the trees. Oh how GIR loved his bouncy ball. He would throw it, and it would bounce, and off he would go! He and his bouncy ball had so much fun together. 

GIR gave his ball a particularly hard throw at a tree, and squealed as the ball came back towards him. The little robot started running backwards, determined to catch his ball. Just as his tiny hands closed around the ball, voices caught GIR's attention. 

Ever-curious, GIR crept forward and peered around a tree trunk. "Master's masters," he breathed in surprise. GIR didn't wonder why the Tallests were here on Earth. His child-like mind merely saw them and accepted that here they were. What his gaze did fix on was the toy that Tallest Purple clutched to his chest. 

"Dammit, Purple!" Red growled as he paced the length of the clearing. His robes swirled delicately around his lithe body with every turn he made. "You can't keep Mr. Foofles! He's my monkey! Now, hand him over!" 

"What's the matter, Red? Jealous?" Purple smirked as he gave the monkey a quick squeeze, making it squeak. Red snarled and lunged,determined to pry the toy away from Purple, but he was too slow. Purple skipped easily to the side, leaving Red to thud into a tree. 

Rubbing his aching head, Red grumbled to himself, "Some vacation this is turning out to be." Much to Red's annoyance, Purple gave the monkey another squeak. Red couldn't believe this was happening. He was the Almighty Tallest, not some foot high runt! He deserved more respect than this! Trying a different tactic, Red softened his expression. "Purple, Purple, Purple," he purred. "We don't have to fight. I just want the monkey." 

Giving Red his most dangerous glare, Purple held Mr. Foofles closer. "I don't have to put up with this," Purple huffed. "And I certainly don't have to put up with you!" The violet-clad Tallest flounced off away from his partner and deeper into the woods. 

"Get out of here then!" Red shouted at Purple's retreating back. Once he was alone, Red slumped down to the ground. He silently cursed Purple - oh how nice vengeance would be - until a little yellow ball bounced into his lap. Red grabbed the ball and glanced around sharply. At every sound - be it scraps of birdsong or wind babbling through tree branches - his antennae twitched. As soon as he caught sight of a flash of cyan, Red sprang into action - lunging through the brush and pinning down the spy. The last thing Red expected to find beneath him was a giggly little SIR unit who looked kind of not good. "I remember you," the Tallest murmured. 

"Hi!" GIR squealed as he squirmed in the leaves. The little robot seemed not to care that he'd just been tackled. In fact, he wrapped his tiny arms around Red's gauntlet and began to purr. At least, that's the closest way Red could think of to describe the sounds coming from the tiny machine. "I like you!" GIR chirped as soon as he finished making the purring noises. 

As Red stared down at the robot, an idea popped into his head - an idea so deliciously evil that he was surprised he hadn't thought of it before. "So, you like me, huh?" Red murmured, to which GIR nodded. "You _really_ like me? Like me enough to do a favor for me?" The robot's head bobbed up and down so fiercely that for a moment Red was afraid that it would wobble off. Red's face split into a wide grin. "All right, then. Purple's being a meanie and has locked up all my toys and won't give me the access code. I need you to go to our ship, unscramble the locks, and bring me the little pink laser. Can you do that?" 

GIR blinked up at Red and poked his tongue out. The machine's attention had obviously been lost. Casting about for some other way to get GIR to obey, Red grabbed a particularly curvy stick up off the ground and held it up. "I'll give you this if you get the pink laser for me." GIR's eyes went wide, and as soon as Red let him up, the little robot went dashing off in the direction that Red pointed out. Red steepled his claws together. Excellent... Soon the Love Laser would once again be in his possession. 

Voices interrupted Red's silent gloating, and the Tallest ducked behind the bushes as he didn't want to be spied by the Earthenoids. "Stop following me," one human beast in a brilliant white coat snapped to the female behind him. "Just tell me where they are and go home! You said my love was here, so here I came, but I don't seem her anywhere." The female dropped her gaze, her spindly hands wringing together. Seeing as how she wasn't going to answer, the be-goggled male made shooing motions with his hands. "Just go!" 

"I can't go," the stooped female sighed. "You draw me towards you. I know that following is futile, but I can't help it." Her lips parted in a toothy hiss. "Free me from your power so that for once in my life things won't go horribly wrong!" Red listened intently from his hiding place, feeling a faint stirring of pity for the human female. Maybe once he finished with Purple, he could do something to help out this obviously inferior creature. 

The male human's long spike of hair bobbed indignantly as he shook his head. "I have no power over you, you poor deluded woman. How can I when I don't even know you?" When the female offered no answer, the male just sighed and turned his back to her. "Forget it. I must find my love!" 

As the male strolled off, the female at last looked up. Her eyebrows scrunched together in fierce determination. "And I will keep following," she whispered. "I'd turn hell into heaven for you." She slipped after the male, nary a leaf rustling beneath her feet. 

"And you'll have him before you leave this forest," Red vowed. The Tallest smiled, pleased with his plans, until an unfamiliar weight latched itself around his ankles. Looking down, Red spotted GIR. "Ah, back so soon? And did you get it?" 

GIR beamed up at the Tallest and slid his head open. There, nestled safely on top of a hideous green costume, was the Love Laser! Red snatched up the laser and all but cuddled it as he held it against his chest. Red knew right where Purple would be. They'd scouted out the area and Purple had been particularly enamored of this one spot. Even Red had to admit that it was pretty. No doubt Purple had gone there to get away from Red. "Such a good little robot," Red purred down at GIR. "Once I finish up with Purple, I'm going to have another very important task for you." GIR's bright eyes flashed red as he saluted the Tallest. 

*~*~*~*~* 

Tallest Purple slid easily through the trees, a blur of graceful motion. Occasionally he'd glance over his shoulder at the much slower, but ever-present, attendents. Some knew enough woodlore to be able to move silently over the terrain, but most stumbled about. The occasional giddy laugh reached Purple and he had to smile. This planet was so much more alive than Irk, and most of the attendents had never even seen a real tree before. Purple would really have much prefered some time alone, but on an alien planet that just wasn't going to happen. 

At last he stepped out into a clearing. Warm sunlight filtered down from the branches that arched overhead. So peaceful... At the far end sat an over-sized rock. Purple crossed the clearing and climbed upon the stony surface. Ah, now he could watch everything going on and relax. The violet clad Tallest stretched out, resting his chin upon the backs of his hands. 

All of Purple's attendents spread out, checking the grove for dangers - all but the smallest who strode up to Purple's rock where he sat down and began making castles in the dirt. "Lulla, lulla, lullaby; lulla, lulla, lullaby," the little one hummed happily. As the little one noticed some of the local wildlife creeping along the ground, he began adding more words to his little sing-song melody. 

"Weaving spiders, come not here:  
Hence, you long-legged spinners, hence!  
Beetles black, approach not near;  
Worm nor snail do no offense." 

Purple's eyes started to drift close as he listened, and he found himself humming along. The first of his soft snores were interrupted by a piercing war cry. Jerking awake, Purple looked down to see the little one wielding a stick like a sword. "Take that!" the tiny Irken cried, as he sliced at the air. "And that! And that! No one can defeat Agent Orange!" Whirling around in imitation of the master duelists of Irk, the tiny Irken tripped over his own booted feet, and Purple began laughing. 

The rest of the attendents had cleared out once the area had been deemed safe, and so Purple was left alone with the shorty. Doubting that he'd be able to get any rest with the little one around, Purple cast about for a plan. As the little one stood and dusted himself off, Purple noticed that sewn upon his tunic was an orange triangle. Great... This one had brainworms... "Hey, little guy," Purple called down. The little one responded quickly by straightening up and saluting. His food-splotched chest puffed out proudly at being addressed by his Tallest. Purple tossed Mr. Foofles down to the shorty. "Take him and keep him safe," he told the little one. "I don't want Red to get him." 

"Yes, my Purple Tallest!" the little one saluted, and scampered off into the trees. 

"Alone at last," Purple murmured to himself, as he felt himself once again caught up in the lazy waves of drowsiness. 

From among the leafy branches, Red watched as sleep overcame his partner. Red knew that what he was going to do was wrong, and for a moment his resolve faltered. But then he reminded himself that he'd never get to squeak Mr. Foofles again if he couldn't do anything to get the stuffed toy from Purple. Taking careful aim with the Love Laser, Red pulled the trigger. The pink beam of light hit Purple dead on. The sleeping Tallest merely shuffled around on his rock, seeming not to have felt a thing. "I hope you awaken when some hideous Earth monster is around," Red muttered under his breath, trying to cover his disgust for what he'd just done with anger. "And take it for your true love." 

A tugging at Red's robes caught his attention. He looked down and found GIR grinning up at him. Oh right! Red had almost forgotten about his new mission for the robot. Crouching down, Red placed a double-fingered hand on GIR's shoulder. "All right now, listen very very very very carefully. There are a pair of humans running around this forest - a male and a female - and I want you to take the Love Laser and zap the male so that he falls in love with the female. Got it?" The robot stared blankly up at the Tallest, and Red had to explain himself three more times before GIR finally seemed to understand. 

Taking the laser, GIR ran off into the woods to find the human's that master's master had told him about. GIR liked the laser. It had such a pretty pink light, which made him think of cinnamon rolls. Cinnamon rolls were yummy! And so were... GIR paused, his finger drifting up towards his mouth. He was forgetting something very very very very important, and he couldn't do that. Master's master would get mad. Frowning, GIR sat down on the ground and tried to puzzle out what he was forgetting. He knew it had something to do with the pretty pink cinnamon roll laser, but what? Maybe if he fired it... 

Spotting a squirrel, GIR took careful aim with the laser. His tongue slid out of his mouth in concentration. When the pink beam enveloped the squirrel, GIR half-expected the furry beast to turn into a cinnamon roll. Instead, though, in a flash of fur, the squirrel pounced upon a pink bunny and began doing... things. GIR could only stare, having never seen anything like that before. He had to admit that the squirrel sure looked like it was having fun, though the rabbit looked distressed. Gir was just about to fire at the rabbit so that it would have fun too when he heard voices approaching. 

Master's parent decoys wheeled into view. Oh! Now GIR remembered - master's master had said to shoot a human with the laser! But the decoys weren't human. But they were supposed to seem human! Maybe they'd fooled master's master! Oh, master would be so pleased to know that. 

Robo-dad's head spun in circles as he looked around. "I think we're lost, honey. And it's starting to get dark. Maybe we should rest here for the night." He'd been trained to emulate a human, and according to his training, humans were supposed to not go wandering around when they were lost. 

The 'wife' of the couple made a harrumph sound. She missed the comforts of the house. Being so far away from the only home she'd ever known and without her son along made her nervous. Fidgeting, Robo-mom sat upon the grass. Robo-dad smiled and sat down beside her. "Please sit further away," the mom squeaked as her training in human proprieties kicked in. Robo-dad scooted a few inches away. "Further," was the only reply his compliance got. With a shrug, Robo-dad got back up and separated himself by several feet from his wife. 

Robo-mom sighed and lay back, watching the sky between the branches. She knew that she was supposed to be married to the Robo-dad, but didn't humans have some sort of ceremony that made marriage official? She couldn't remember ever having had such a ceremony. In fact, her first memories were of greeting her son at the door one night. So how could she be married if she couldn't remember it? And if she wasn't married, then it wouldn't do to have the Robo-dad get too close. Her training had specifically said, "No ding ding without the wedding ring." Life was just too confusing when you were a robot. Sighing, the Robo-mom shut down most of her systems in a semblance of sleep. 

GIR waited until the robo-parents appeared to be asleep. Now he could finish his mission and make master's master happy! He zapped Robo-dad with the pink cinnamon roll light, and made a happy beeping noise. GIR knew he'd done good. And if master's master was happy, then master would be happy. And then master would get GIR some chocolate moo juice! GIR rushed off to report to master's master that the mission was a success. The little robot never noticed the approach of another couple. 

Professor Membrane glared over his shoulder at the withered teacher. She hovered behind him like a menacing shadow, and he wanted her gone! "Stop haunting me!" the scientist snapped, whirling around suddenly and giving Ms. Bitters a harsh shove. "Stay here or go back, but don't follow me!" Professor Membrane stormed off, leaving a stunned Ms. Bitters watching his retreating back. 

"Zim's mother has no idea how lucky she is," Ms. Bitters muttered. "Having the love of a man like that. What does she have that I don't?" Noticing a body upon the ground, Ms. Bitters shook off her bitter musings. She crawled forward and frowned as she recognized the person as Zim's father. He lay so still... Was he dead? Probably. If not, he would be eventually. Shrugging, Ms. Bitters reached out and shook the man's shoulder. 

Zim's father came awake in an instant. He stared in awestruck silence, his mouth unhinging and his jaw falling to the ground. Ms. Bitters didn't flinch at the sight. She'd been around long enough that nothing could really faze her anymore, not even a grown man picking his jaw up off the ground and screwing it back into place. "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on," he sqeaked once his mouth was back in place. 

"And what about your wife?" Ms. Bitters growled, not believing a word she was hearing. 

Zim's father waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "What about her?" he purred, pressing closer to Ms. Bitters. "I realize now that it's not her I love, but you! Oh sweet angel of the night, you are far more wonderful woman than my wife!" Ms. Bitters scowled her fiercest scowl, certain that this had to be some sort of joke right up until the man's sqeezing hand gently cupped her ancient, sagging breast. 

For the first time finding herself at a loss, Ms. Bitters let out an undignified squeak and scrambled away. "Stay back!" she screeched when she found her voice. "Don't come near me or I'll unleash a mighty doom upon you!" 

"Ah, but what a sweet, sweet doom it would be," Zim's father sighed to himself. Ms. Bitters growled like a cornered howler monkey and fled into the deep shadows, seeking the invisibility she was so good at finding there. Zim's father merely gave chase, shouting after her in a phony French accent, "Come out, ma petite!" 

Left alone, and sensors at last detecting that something was wrong, Robo-mom came out of her 'sleep' and stared around wildly. Robo-dad was no where in sight! "Honey!" she called out desperately. "Honey, where are you?" No answer. A million worries flickered through her electronic brain, before she came to a decision. Robo-mom strode deeper into the forest, determined to find her 'husband.' 


End file.
